stupid sht -

--- im upset & ths is my many ways of venting. simply blogging where i can freely express myself without smebody cutting me off or cursing me out in the middle of my point-making. alright, so im jst gna jump straight into it & save the beating around the bush for a happier mood. ths female and i solemly planned to take a trip up to MA, valentines day wknd so that i can see my bf & she can see his friend who she started talking to a month prior to the wknd we were suppose to go. my boyfriend & i introduced her to his friend over the phne. they started to smewhat talk & things were picking up. she was feeling him & vice versa. so it wasnt a shock that all month we were talking abt it, pumping each other up, making plans & choosing outfits to impress thm. yall im telling you she had me so geeked up abt it ; thats all i did the whole month of january was talk abt it. her birthday was 2 days before the trip so our plan was to take the train up there that friday & come bck the following sunday. she would spend partial time with his friend but for the most part we all planned to chill together that whole wknd. 2 & a half wks before the time we were suppose to leave i had a funny feeling abt things that nght because we werent talking abt it as much and i felt as though i was being avoided. so i picked up the phne & called her. no response. later that next day i txted her ...


me: "____, whats going on? are you still going?"
female: "i kinda have some bad news."
me: (already knowing whats gna happen) "whats wrong?"
female: "so many people have things planned for me that wknd & i jst have to get settled with everything"
me: (sighs) oh boy, alright ____, let me know what your gna do because i dont wana have his friend thinking that your coming up & your not. not only that but im gna be type hurt because we were talking abt it forever and now 2 wks before we leave your saying people made plans for you. jst make sure you let me know.
female: alright, ima let you know tmro.

next day no contact whatsoever. i txted her, no response (ths is surprising because she usually answers my txt bck with the quickness) later on that day she finally txts me bck.

me: so whats happening?
female: im not sure ima call you whn i get home.
me: alright.

10 smething at night. no call yet. so i call her. she explains to me how she really wants to go and how the chances of her going is 75% blahh blahh blahh, gassing me up so i wont be mad. and my stupid nonchalant self is allowing her to. "oh thank God girl, you had me scared for a minute. i hate whn ppls say they're gna do smethng but at the las minute bails out." (she already knows ths but i jst had to assure her once more) a wk later im not hearing anything. txt msgs are not being exchanged & neither are phnecalls. ths is not like us. we usually talk more than ths. wtf is going on? so i txt her (again)

me:____, tell me whats going on because i need to know.
female: well, my aunt is giving me a party on that saturday and idk what ima do.
me: (im thinking she knew damn well what was going on & jst didnt wana tell me.) are you serious? wow so you mean to tell me after promising that we were gna go up there, a wk before we go that you not going?
female: no its not that. i wana go. ima call my aunt and ask her whats going on thn ima call you but im still going! dont worry!
me: man, alright. dont forget!

following 2 days. no response. im honestly thinking ths sht is getting played out & im abt threw tryna squeeze sme answers out of her. so i txt her. (i knew yall like damn lea lol)

me: _____, what happend with your aunt? you never called me back.
female: oh i'll call you.

she calls me. telling me how her other aunt is suppose to go up to the same school to see her boo & that we can possibly ride with her. im scared to drive up there because i hate getting lost. not to mention train tickets are hella expensive so im like word? oh aight. sounds good. let me know. ths bck & forth sht went on for like another 2 days. shes giving mixed msgs, 2 wrd txts, jst a bunch of nonsense. my bf & his friend are asking me "shes coming? is she coming? i dont thnk shes coming. man i want her to come." ths boy is dipping into his tuition pockets to buy her sme expensive ass gift & im like damn bra, now i feel bad because i introduced yall. at ths point im like what the fck ever man. let me jst make sure shes NOT going & order my damn ticket. i call. & guess what? shes not going. i feel like even more of a jackass because i asked her again. the signs & everything was there but i ignored thm because im like maybe she wont do me like that. or his friend for that matter. my thing is if you know from the first moment that you wasnt gna be able to go thn CUT THE SHT & say "lea, i cant go" aint even a need for a damn apology. i wouldve rathered her say that thn lead me on all ths time & at the end of it say no. but ima tell you ths much & i put ths on everything - im done chasing other ppls. im jst gon do wtf i have to do for MYSELF and myself only. dont hype me up thn crush what hopes i have left. especially smeone that you call your "friend" & "sis". shts fcked up & i would never do that to anyone. but we've all gone thru that. i guess its jst the things you have no choice but to accept in life. oh but it wont ever happen again, i promise you that.